Oversharing or connecting?

I've been having a real internal battle about social media for a long time now - probably the whole time I've used it.

It goes something like this:

"Is it ok to post that? Is that oversharing? But why should I only post the good bits, that's not honest? Am I undignified if I share too much? Do I change my mind too frequently to publish what I think about something? Am I pissing people off with all my posts? Have I documented too much online? What will future employers think of my pissed-up photos? Are my posts bragging? Are they accurate reflections? I don't want to make out everything's fine when I'm rarely fine." Etc. Etc. 

The thing is, I'm a journalist. That's not just my career it's my fucking mental structure - I have to journal shit to process it. And with the ease of social media platforms for publishing and creating, it's so damn simple to share those wafty, nonsensical, jumbled, expletive-filled thoughts with anyone who's scrolling. 

Yet each post sends me into a "fuck, should I say this" spiral - as it should. It shouldn't be ignored that when we share shit online, we share it with hundreds of people so we should question what we post - to an extent. 

"Do you want the world to know you in that way?"

I ask myself this almost every time I post and do you know what? Yes, yes I fucking do. I don't even care what way that is, but fine - just see me as I am. Because we don't really see enough of each other any more - in all senses of the word but I mean really see one another.  Like into each others soul.  

Our real life social communications are transforming so much thanks to technology that if we don't overshare, we are in danger of totally undersharing and not connecting with each other at all. ESPECIALLY in lockdown. I think we're all guilty of only putting the good bits on Facebook or Instagram. We don't tend to post when we're having a *kitchen floor reset (see below), a huge row with our partner, lose our job, give up on a project, get dumped or have a private "I can't cope" breakdown in the shower. And I'm not saying we should necessarily post that stuff, what we want to keep private is entirely our choice. But I want to add some authenticity to my overuse of social media - because I know I'm guilty of subconsciously comparing my life to everyone else's airbrushed posts. 

Those thoughts go something like this:

"Oh my god, they look so happy together. Am I happy enough in my relationship? Are we doing it right? Should I do more of that? God her hair looks so nice, I need to run a brush through mine. Wow look how skinny she is, I need to lose some weight, fat bitch. Ugh, look at her hanging out with her mum, she has no idea how difficult life is without a mum, look how many friends she's got in her pic, should I have more friends? poor me poor me poor me... Wah wah wah" (you get the point)  

And yes, while it's nice to be reminded to brush my fucking hair sometimes, falling into a self-pity party at the hands of someone's tiny, innocent life snapshot is not healthy. Yet it's inevitable if we don't properly connect with each other. If our only interactions are in this way, or the majority of them are, then no wonder we're all feeling like utter shit. 

So what's the answer? Cut out social media? There are strong arguments for that and if you're a black belt hipster who still carries a Nokia 3310 then fair fucking play. But I am not. I am a paid up subscriber to the Google generation and I fucking love people. I am also incredibly nosy. So if I have to find the people on Facebook or Insta because that's where they all are, then that's where I'm going.

But my compromise is to go there with the intention to be as honest as possible. My life is far from perfect - but I am incredibly privileged. I have so many things to be grateful for - but there are so many things I struggle with. 

The photos I post show snapshots of an event - you didn't see the 10 minutes after which resulted in a big row and some tears. I didn't photograph that bit! And I probably won't, but I can write a big, rambly blog post like this to supplement the happy pretence a bit.

Anyway, I've definitely drifted into rambling territory. But the point is, I'm not sorry for oversharing on social media. It's my fucking life and I'll tell my stories however I like. And I'm going to try and tell them honestly - because that's the only way I know how to connect with people. And we're all lacking in connection right now, hey? There must be a way to use social media to fix that problem - to use it for good not evil. I have no fucking idea how, but I'll start with honesty. 

And then the mum guilt kicks in. Its ok for me to be as honest as I like about my own life but is it ok for me to overshare the shit out of Eva's life? To publish her every move before she's ever used a computer? What's going to happen when she does get online and finds her whole life has been uploaded to social media? It's a new internal debate I'm having and I can't get the answer right in my head. My gut says I should keep my beautiful photos of her private. But will that just be weird for her when she's online, being the only kid who doesn't already have a digital footprint? Plus I love sharing about my life and she's now the central part of it. But that's about me, not her, and I have to out her first. So how does this fit with my "be totally fucking honest" mantra? I honestly don't have a clue.

What do you lot do/think? Let me know! 

Now I've over-thought myself into a hole and don't want to post a pic of anything except this pretty sunset

*A "kitchen floor reset" is when you have a emotional or mental breakdown sobbing on the kitchen floor when you feel awful - often late at night - then you pick yourself back up and get on with it, feeling a little lighter after letting all the emotion out.