ForEva

There's a theme to this post but it covers many areas. Let's talk about balance . Since I lost my mum/the Covid Pandemic happened/I had a baby, I've been pretty introverted. I've turned inwards in a way that is quite unfamiliar to me and it had me wondering if I was broken. Am I going to be unable to connect with people at all eventually? Have I spent so much time looking inward I've stopped participating outward?  No man is an island, and all that  No, of course not. It's just about balance. It's all about balance really. And that's why lockdown has shafted people quite so hard - because there's no balance at all, for anyone, in any of their circumstances. We're all living in extremes and that is unnatural.  Extreme loneliness Extreme grief Extreme parenting Extreme fear Extreme social withdrawal Extreme financial loss Extreme amount-of-time-spent-with-people-we-live-with Extreme crisis Coming out of lockdown will be interesting. We

In case I hadn't mentioned it, I'm a journalist. Which means some muppet gave me a platform to share all these thoughts.  I published my ongoing grief journal a few months ago, as the covid pandemic death toll started to ramp up. This seems like another good place to share it, so here we go. The lessons I learned about grief after my mum died  Coronavirus has left a trail of devastation and heartbroken loved ones in its wake. Thousands of people have been killed by the virus and the death toll continues to rise every day. Lives have been cut cruelly short and tragically, hundreds - if not thousands - of people across Kent will be waking up to a new world without their loved one. There is nothing anyone can say or do to prepare you for the weight of grief - it is truly crippling. If you are reading this because you are missing someone you love then my heart breaks for you and I am truly sorry. Nine months ago I lost my incredible mum after a short and brutal battle with lung can

I've been having a real internal battle about social media for a long time now - probably the whole time I've used it. It goes something like this: " Is it ok to post that? Is that oversharing? But why should I only post the good bits, that's not honest? Am I undignified if I share too much? Do I change my mind too frequently to publish what I think about something? Am I pissing people off with all my posts? Have I documented too much online? What will future employers think of my pissed-up photos? Are my posts bragging? Are they accurate reflections? I don't want to make out everything's fine when I'm rarely fine." Etc. Etc.  The thing is, I'm a journalist. That's not just my career it's my fucking mental structure - I have to journal shit to process it. And with the ease of social media platforms for publishing and creating, it's so damn simple to share those wafty, nonsensical, jumbled, expletive-filled thoughts with anyone who's

A huge wave of grief has knocked me sideways today. I think it's been knocking on my door for a while and I've been too scared to open the door. But the baby is asleep so I've decided to sit with it today and acknowledge it for what it is - really fucking hard.  No words of wisdom on this post, folks. Just an extract from today's breakdown in my diary. Peace and love x

I think one of the hardest things to adjust to in motherhood are the hours. In a normal job you get time off, lunch breaks, start and finish times - but not this job.  And it's hard. You know when you're working on a tough project and you need to put it down for a while, walk away and come back when you're refreshed and ready to go? Yeah you can't do that with a baby. There's no "do something else until you're back on track" - you just gotta keep going. Every minute of every day. With the promise that one day they apparently sleep through the night - like, all of it. Not just from 2am to 6am (omg imagine?!)  Unrelated pic but I think Eva's expression sums up how I feel today  It's not that Eva isn't awesome, cos she truly is. But I'M not always awesome. In fact sometimes I would just like to spend the day under a duvet: grieving, eating, re-energising for my next burst of 'ok-i-got-this'. Ready to be good enough to b

While I was drowning in the depths of new motherhood, a couple of mum friends promised me "it does get better" as I limped through the sleepless nights with a growing list of mental health struggles.  And do you know what? It did. It did get better. How is my beautiful baby nearly 6 months old?  Not that those early days with Eva weren't precious. But with some more medication, meditation and a great support network - the fog of PND and PNA did lift and it it did get better.  Eva is nearly 6 months old and is the light of my life. Of course mum guilt, worries and stress is still very much a part of my life but we are all thriving now and settling into our new world. Eva is smiling, giggling, rolling over and bringing so much joy into our lives.  Eva is such a smily, happy baby I know the insanity that was 2020 brought mostly fucknamis of hell for everyone so I feel extra blessed with my beautiful baby.  We chose Eva's name because it means &qu